First Birthday
by bookwormjordi
Summary: ALLEGIANT SPOILERS! You have been warned. It is Tris' first birthday since her passing, and in her honor, Tobias has visited the Dauntless compound. He will go through many emotional challenges and struggle with her death with a twist at the end!


I climb the stairs leading up to the platform, and glance at my watch. Any minute now. A few seconds later I see the headlights attached to the front of the first train car. I start to jog when the first car glides by me. I speed up and grab the handle bar, my muscles straining, and swing myself inside. It has been a while since I have traveled by train since these past few months, I have been taking the bus and learning how to drive a car. I've missed the exertion of my muscles and the thrill of jumping off a moving train, but they remind me of her too much, so I've been avoiding wherever we have been together. But not today.

The Bureau kept files on everybody inside the fence, including birth dates. Our birthdays are only one week apart, mine is a week before hers, but today is her first birthday since she has been gone, so even though it hurts so much, I figure even if I can't be with her, I can be with her memory.

I see the Dauntless compound coming into view and I ready myself to jump. The heights still scare me, but her memory keeps them at bay, just like she did when we went through my fear landscape together. The corner of the rooftop whizzes past me and I run two steps and jump. I can imagine her next to me, like all the other times we were forced to run and had to escape to the trains. I land running, the impact jarring my feet and ankles and for a second, I think I might fall. But I catch my balance and a second later my breath and walk to the ledge, only to lose it once I look over the edge. Stories down, a net lays stretched taught enough that it acts like a new trampoline. Even with it being noon and the brightest part of the day, I would not know for sure that the net was still there or still in good enough shape to catch a person unless I hadn't asked someone to check for me yesterday. That fact is the only reason why I can even consider stepping up on the ledge. I take a deep breath and try not to look down, try not to think about how high up I am. Instead, I picture her standing next to me, reaching out her hand for mine.

I have been doing this lately, ever since her death. It helps with the pain because I can remember her so precisely that it seems like she is really there next to me, helping and encouraging me. But once I stop the image, the illusion, the deception, the pain hits me again, but it is fresh and anew and it feels almost like how hard her death affected me the first time I found out. It's just the absence of her, it makes every little thing I do so much harder. I need her support, even if I make it up in my head.

Looking over at my image of...Tris- it hurts so much to say her name, or even think it- I bend my knees and jump. I try not to scream as the air whistles around my body and my body rushes towards the ground. I feel like an initiate again, like this is the first time I jumped and there is the fear of there being nothing to catch me at the bottom, nothing but a slab of concrete that will smash every bone in my body to little tiny pieces and kill me. That was one of the most terrifying experience I had ever gone through, but compared to the events of this past year, it suddenly seems like nothing.

My back slams into the net, knocking the air out of me for the third time today. I gasp and roll over, dragging myself to the edge, using the holes in the weaving. I climb onto the ledge and drop the two feet to level ground below.

I remember almost two years ago when she first came here. I still can't believe that she was the first to jump. She was so unlike me, she seemed afraid of hardly anything. And she was so _tiny_. I couldn't believe how petite she was. And pretty. No, not pretty... she was beautiful. But her beauty wasn't the same as other girls. It wasn't as stunning, but it was there all the same. It was in the blonde of her long hair, in the icy blue of her eyes, and even in her long nose. The features that made her different, the ones that she thought made her ugly, those are the ones that made her the most beautiful and striking girl I had ever met. It was found more on the inside of her, in her personality than in her physical features. And to me, that was the most important and fascinating kind of all.

I navigate my way through the tunnel, and begin to hear the Dauntless that chose to stay here. They are just as wild as they were before but they have dwindled in number. Some dozen are left, perhaps a few over a hundred. Before all this happened, there were many hundred, but a lot moved from the city once the fence was taken down. Or they moved to other places in Chicago.

I enter the Pit and a thousand old memories flood back into me. Like the time I stupidly got drunk by the chasm and told Tris that she looked good; the time I saved her from Peter, Al, and Drew; and the day after, when I taunted Drew for not keeping up with the rest of the group.

I weave my way around the clusters of people talking. A few of them, like Amar, turn and say hello when they see me, while others stare or turn away uncomfortably. A lot of them stop talking altogether and walk away. They know who I am, what I did, and most importantly what I can do. A few of the Dauntless still train, even some of the people that moved in from outside the fence take lessons. I always thought the factionless looked scrawny and weak, but compared to those that were outside in the Fringe, they look almost healthy. Most of them moved inside because there were a lot of empty houses and jobs, but surprisingly a great majority of them came here. I guess they wanted to learn how to protect themselves. But with all the newbees, there were enough old Dauntless, like me, that moved out. Probably to get away from the bad memories.

I walk by the chasm for a quick detour. I lean over the edge, letting the spray from the white water mist my face. I have had so many memories here. My favorite of all being down on the rock next to the water after we went through my fear landscape and she found out who I really was. If it weren't for all these people, I might actually go down there and relive it, but somebody might see me and take away my spot. No._ Our _spot.

I turn away and start for the tunnel that will lead me to my old room, before the memories flow over me like the water that crashes over the rocks and drown me. I reach the room some time later, I'm not exactly sure, my feet were wandering like my mind. I know this room is empty because I made in unavailable for this purpose. I wanted this room to be mine and Tris'. I wanted us to have fun, escape, and spend our nights together. This was my place, just like the chasm was, but once she got here, I wanted it to be hers too. I wanted to share everything with her. My life, my escapes, and my feelings. Then we were forced to escape, and we never had the chance. Except that one time in the airport. I wanted so much more than that. I wanted to spend every day with her, and every night too. I wanted her forever, and I didn't even get a year.

And it hurts so badly. I love her so much. I miss her every second of every day, and I would do anything to have her back. It's all I want.

I use the key that I kept and unlock the door, and she hits me like I walked straight into a brick wall. I know it's just my imagination, but I can smell her, like she was here but just left. The bed, which we slept on together is slightly rumpled from the last time we were here, which was before Tris left to go to Erudite headquarters. I woke up the next morning, worried as hell. The bathroom door is ajar from the shower I got before bed. And I still have dirty clothes in the hamper because I bought all new ones once I moved to my new apartment.

I wander over to the bed and collapse onto it. I gather the sheets up in my arms like I saw Tris do after her fear landscape test. She looked so afraid of me then and so sad. But I'm the one who is sad now. I let the tears flow, no longer being able to hold them in any longer. Sobs rack my body and at first I am ashamed, but why be ashamed of these tears? They signify my love and want for Tris to come back to me, my desire to turn back the clock and make that bastard of a brother complete the task instead of her. He was a betraying little liar that let Tris take his place because he was too much of a coward to give up his life for something more worthwhile than what little he will accomplish. She sacrificed herself for him, for a brother that didn't love her, that never would because he couldn't. He is incapable of love or adoration or even care. And I will never get the girl I love back because of him.

It is some time later that I wake up after I cry myself to sleep. The watch that I still wear tells me that it is a little after midnight. I must have slept for hours, the best and longest rest I have experienced in what seems like forever. But now it is no longer her birthday, but I still have to say goodbye. For real this time, not under the illusion that we will see each other in a few hours because we won't. We didn't, and we won't again until I am dead too. And even though that seems like a preferable choice to living without her, I know she would be pissed once I saw her wherever we go to after this life.

So I walk back to the chasm, and down the path that was carved into the side. I go back to the rock that we sat on and dangle my feet into the water, just like we did before. I can actually see her, sitting next to me and mimicking me, splashing my ankles with water while she looks at me.

"Why did you leave me?" I ask her, my voice cracking.

"I had to," she responds. "As much as it hurt, I knew I could do it. And I did. I survived the death serum, but I had no idea that David was there. Forgive Caleb for me. Please. As much as it hurts, do it for me."

"I don't know if I can, Tris. I just want to see you, and to be with you, and love you."

"We will be together again one day, Tobias. We will meet again, in many years. I still love you, I always will. Just because I'm not here, it doesn't meant that we can't love each other. We will meet again later in this place after life, so just wait for me. You waited eighteen years, what's a few more decades? I promise you Tobias, and this time, I'm going to keep that promise. I swear. But I have to go. I've tried to be there this past year, but it's too hard. For both of us. I'll come back when I can, but you have to be fine without me. You've been so strong and brave this past year, but I was only holding you back by coming to see you so often. I'm so sorry, but I have to go. I love you so much. I'll see you soon, Tobias."

"Tris. Don't leave me. Not again. Please, stay here with me. I can't lose you again. _Please._" I say, starting to get up to stop her, even though I know this is all in my imagination.

"I'll see you soon." she says, getting up.

"No! Don't say that. It's not true and you know it. Don't lie to me." I protest, stepping closer to her.

But she just shakes her head at me, reaching her hand out. I stretch mine out to meet hers, but when they meet, hers passes through mine, and all I feel is a cool breeze where our fingers would have touched. Her already transparent figure slowly fades away into nothing and I am left all alone. Again.

_A/N I know this story was kind of drawn out and there wasn't any action in it, but it was supposed to be sad. I hope you guys liked it, not sure if it's going to be a series or not. Probably not, but review! And like or don't like, it's up to you, but stay tuned!_


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